The Mission WAS Impossible!

  Like I've said before I am a say it all messed up kind of girls. I never realized I was that bad until recently. You know the ones that say everything wrong, don't make any sense. The one that thinks she knows what she is talking about, but in all reality has no clue. HA! I mean I have been known to tell my kids to take the garbage out and put it in the fridge. Even better, the kids are getting in trouble and every word comes out backwards, upside down and wrong side up. Hell I got AstroTurf mixed up with hydroplane. I swear I am such a airhead! What the hell?!?!? I'm sitting there talking to a few of my co-workers and cant remember what a q-tip is called after many failed attempt of the word "Ear Quib" is  my final reach. I can only laugh at myself and trust me I am not the only one laughing! At the time my nickname was Astrotard thanks Drew!  I guess its better than Astroglide.

  Fast forward...

  Its a boring night and we hear that some of the high school kids are going to play a game of Mission Impossible. If you don't know what this game is, its where you start from one side of town and try to make it to other side without being caught by the people searching for you. I look at Shelley and say "lets crash the game and scare some kids!" So we grab some scary masks and head out. I talked Russell into dropping us off in town. I don't know where these kids hide but they are illusive little monsters. So we decide to change our location the end zone. So here we are sitting in the bushes with these hot ass masks on waiting for our unsuspecting victims. Nothing is happening so we turn on our phones and we get spotted by some kids. Next thing I know they are charging us with air soft BB guns, WHAT THE HELL! Since when is this game played with air soft guns, gawww I hate those things! At this point we are doing our best to not laugh, scream and cry. At that moment we brace because some boys come around the bushes shooting those horrid things at our sorry asses, we jump up with our masked on and scream, all we hear is WHAT THE.... WHO IS THAT!?! They take off running to their vehicles yelling something like" I don't know who that was lets get out of here!"
   We decided we needed another hiding spot so we take off running and we are laughing so hard we don't see the hole. Yes THE HOLE, I hit it first I mean I hit it hard, knees buckled face in the grass, OUCH! I lay there still laughing looking for Shelley who should be ahead of me by now but I don't see her anywhere. That's because she hit the same hole and she was laying right next to me. When we made eye contact, we lost it and broke out into uncontrollable laughter. When we got ourselves up and dusted off we looked up and there stood five possibly seven boys just staring at us. Of course we scream like a two crazy banshees! The the masks are still on our faces and we take off. Here we are trying to scare these boys and they scare us not even trying to ha! Later we find out that all the kids playing thought we were two high school students making out in the bushes. Nope just two chicks out for a good laugh.

"Sista from anotha mista"

 

   Let's talk about my sista from anotha mista Lauren. I should call her Lil Whiny-wah-wah! She denies it, but she is spoiled! She gets her way every time. She makes me watch icky horror movies, she tells me what I have to be for Halloween. Really, I'm not a push over, I just love her so I give her what she wants. But that's not with out giving her hell in the process. We are so ornery to each other my other sista from anotha mista Jaclyn think we are really being seriously mean to each other. Ha its just the way we roll.
  One day me and Mariah thought it would be funny to tackle her to the ground and duct tape her. This is how it went down: Lauren is walking through the living room, I run, jump and tackle her to the ground. She is screaming and I am trying to get her limbs out from under her, Mariah is running for the tape. WHAT! She was suppose to have it ready! So at this point I'm trying desperately to do all the cop beat down techniques my brother uses on us, do you think those worked? Hell no! So here I am struggling with squirmy squealing Lauren, this is when Mariah come in (finally) and starts duct taping both me and Lauren TOGETHER. Really?!? She didn't use duct tape though, oh no, that's not the thinking power our mom gave us. Gorilla tape yo! That shiz was wrapped around my ass, hair and Laurens bare skin. TOTAL FAIL!
  So let's recap our little prank. I didn't learn anything from all my brother's cop beat downs. Laurens a scrapper. Mariah Is... hell I don't know where Mariah is, I think she is still looking for the right tape. After hair and skin went missing. Lauren told us that she will never forgive us. Haha yeah right! That little shit made us shots they consisted of soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, butterscotch schnapps and black velvet. That shit was gross! I guess that makes us square! Doesn't change the fact the little sis had one up on the two Roberts chicks. Go figure!
   Lauren is also really competitive, its really sad too. I make a yummy in your tummy lasagna and Lauren wanted the recipe so of course I'm going to give it to her. But she starts making it and decides hers is better than mine, I tell her "how is that possible? Its the same recipe!" What's dork. So she get this idea to do a lasagna cook off. I told her if you make a better lasagna than me that just means I taught you well. This is what I get; "Casual! No! You have to be mad that I'm better!" Again dork! So we have this cook off, the whole family is there we have to have judges. Jaclyn got in on it too she makes a killer crock pot lasagna, Lauren made my recipe I also made my recipe. Do you think anyone voted? HELL NO! There are a bunch of chicken shits in my family they didn't want to piss any of the cooks off. I guess in the end it turned out to be a big smorgasbord of lasagna hahaha! Really good food though... we are awesome!

Go Me!

Laughing is one thing I do best! Yes, it comes at the most inopportune times. And, yes certain people don't help in those times! Let's take for example my baby bro, he hates going to the movies with me! He will actually physically hurt me to get me to stop laughing. Of course it makes me laugh harder because he's embarrassed. I can't help that its hilarious. He says, "shut it, people are looking and laughing!" Isn't that the point? Laughter is contagious! I have made many slink down in their chairs at theaters. Like he's one to judge, his wife loves scary movies...eeek, gag and ugh! She makes him take her to them all the time (she's bossy she even makes me watch that crap she's very convincing) ;). Let's just say Dude don't need to be going to movies like that. She told us he screamed like a sissy bitch in the middle of one of the exorcist movies! I didn't know a grown man could scream. Yes that's right he "screamed" in the middle of a scary part. Talk about drawing attention to ones self!
    Just watching movies at home he squeals like a chick and hides behind the couch. Funny thing, his son is exactly like him. I walked into the living room once to see his lil one hiding behind the couch with only his eyes looking over the top. I ask "kiddo, what are you doing?" And he is just stares at the TV. I turn around to see Zombieland playing. Oh hell! I laughed so hard, he looked just like his dad! Stupid movie channels! One second Finding Nemo is on, next thing you know freaking zombies are eating peoples faces!
  When my sister, me and mom are together it only takes one of us to start laughing and the rest follow suit. My dad (on more than many occasions) has told us to either shut up or leave the room. So then of course we try to hold it in. Not the best idea, you heard what I sound like when I laugh. If not check it .Imagine 3 of that! Ha! So we are sitting there "trying" to hold it in , tears rolling down our faces, bodies convulsing, little snorts here and there. And dads face getting red, eh, nope purple. Ah shit! Wait for it... Yup and there it is! TV's muted and the stare begins....wait for it...."#$@%*+-*%$+&-%@&>;=;%=#%$-%;$*@" in gargled voices "sorry dad" is all you hear. Good times! Huh dad?
   Its even worse when your driving down the road laughing so hard tears are rolling down your face. Yes this happens quite often to me. Just the other day Shelley and I were down in Boise for a work related meeting. We happen to cross paths at lunch time with a couple other co-workers. Of course Shelley talked them into buying us lunch. So here we are eating, I take a bite of this salmon salad and 'blek" it tastes funky. Towards the end of the lunch it feels like a bubble could possibly make itself known. Of course I ignore it. We say our goodbyes and head back to the meeting. As soon as we hit the first traffic light that bubble hits no holds barred! So, smart me let's it rip, its just Shelley! Big mistake...huge! I only get a pft out before I feel its little Huxtable friends following. Awe shit! I clinch my ass like my life depends on it.
  Here I am sweating balls and clinching my ass cheeks while rolling down the window, then I hear Shelley "WTF! That is some sick shit!" Awe hell the windows down don't help a damn thing! So here we are Shelley dry heaving and me laughing my ass off telling her "stop! Laughing makes my hole pucker I cant clinch and laugh at the same time, I'm gonna shit myself! I think that I have food poisoning!"
  Oops! Lights green, as I pull onto the freeway  still laughing, Shelley pipes up laughing her ass off and wheezes, "it was that freaking salmon salad!" So here I am driving down the freeway half the speed of all the other vehicles laughing, clinching, and sweating trying to get to our destination before I shat myself. And then she laughs out "so are you going to shit in the stall next to me while I pee?" I get instant stage fright. Awkward!
   Once we arrived I run my Hobbit legs into the handicapped bathroom, another big mistake (I should have shit next to Shelley!) I guess the handicap that used the toilet before me had no hands because he pissed all over the place. Yes I say HE the toilet seat was up! So here I am making a cushioned seat out of toilet paper! I sit down and debate whether I let it rip or ease it out. Screw this! It hurts! Disaster avoided embarrassing moment not!

GO ME!

Just Nassy!

 When someone has bad breath, some people just ignore it. How do you ignore something like bad breath, sometimes its so bad you find yourself holding your hand over your nose subconsciously. Or is that just me? I mean really can you not taste that the nasty yard gnome came and took a shit in your mouth?! Waking up in the morning its like you've been tossing salad in your sleep! I found it easier to just hand them a piece of gum with "the look"or just bluntly put it so there is no misinterpretation. Its a little harder with strangers though, I think I just prefer to walk away. WHAT? I never said I was perfect! Hell! I don't want to have to sit there and converse and smell shit at the same time!

"Tossing salad" I never understood that phrase. Why would you incorporate fresh greens with licking a starfish? GROSS! I mean seriously, who wants to put there tongue on a poop shoot! Just wrong...but as long as my man isn't playing at my back door I'm cool. Awesome quote from Forgetting Sarah Marshall " Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system" or "god put mouths on our head for a reason!" Check it! So funny!

How about when you sneeze and blow ass at the same time? Now this is why I have learned to sneeze really loud so the ass blow is somewhat covered. I'm not saying this is full proof plan! Or how about after you shit air in your pants and then start laughing and every time you laugh your ass squawks. Now those are funny! The butt burner variety those are just wrong! They burn coming out and then they burn the nose breathing in. they have also put my man in the fetal position many times! Ha! Oh he is so not perfect he has this sneaky technique where he blows ass under the covers and then he repositions in bed and waifs the sick smell my way....COMMON! Do you really think I don't know what your doing, babe! Wait! Is it true that you can get pink eye from someone farting on your pillow? Oh god! Is he gonna give me pink eye?!

What Is Wrong With Us!

  Do any of you have those friends that just bring the dirty out in you? Oh hell I do! I just haven't decided if I'm that friend or my friends are that friend. I think we just feed off each other and it just escalates from there! But we have fun, and gross everyone out in the process! My Shelley she loves making people smell nasty things. Like sticking her finger in her sweaty, stank ass belly button to share for the world to smell! Once she did just that and told me to smell it. Of course I'm gonna smell it! I'm like the puss, curiosity always gets the better of me! It smelled like a dirty foot mixed with a sour ass! "ACK!" So I stick my finger in my belly and make her smell. I'm sure it smelled like some dirty ass chode. She also swiped it under our buddies nose he stopped what he was doing and whispered "was that your pussy?" Oh my God dude what kind of pune have you been smelling? 

  We were in Jackpot Nevada with a group of friends. We decided we loved riding the bus from casino to casino. Watching the drunks get on and off was hilarious! People watching is our thang. We were on one of our rounds around the block, and everyone had cleared the bus but us and a man that looked like a bull frog. This dude was sitting in the front of the bus looking creeeeepy! You have to know this about Shelley she has volume control and staring problems, her whispers and stares are for everyone to hear and see. When she spots creepy dude she "WHISPERS" "oh my god raaapist" I say, "Shelley shhh!" Next thing I know she says "oh my god he's looking!" Oh for shit sake! "you think?!" The dude gets off at our stop, go figure! She almost got us killed! Ha not really but I love to remind her of that.
Shelley is very persuasive I don't know how I get her to talk me into things! I was driving us home one night after chilling with a old co-worker. We passed another co-workers house and saw him in his kitchen cooking. Dude loves his food! My stupid ass points it out. So of course Shelley makes me pull the truck over so we can sneak up to his window and scare him. I say "hell no" she says, "Casual NOW!" we argue in his driveway for what seems like forever. Finally she says, "Casual get your ass over here right now!" I just know we are gonna get called in for peeping! But my ass goes! <<  I'm such a pushover!

We get to the house and he turns toward the window, Shelley says, "get down" My ass is slow and he makes eye contact with me. Here I am looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Finally I wave my best Forrest Gump wave and smile like a retard in a room full of bouncy balls. I get, "Casual? Is that you?" Yup it's me! They call me Peepy McPeekins. I then point to Shelley who is plastered to the side of the house like a gecko. He then asks, "can you see my underwear?" Eww gross no! I tell him I can only see from his belly up. He gets a relieved look on his face and then asks if we wanna have some bacon. HAHAHA! Dude loves his bacon! Of course we decline and then leave him to his midnight snack!

 

 

                                                            What is wrong with us!!

Day Of Race!

The day starts off hot! We gather Skip A. Long (the porcupines racing name) for the parade of porcupines. Gage and his buddy enter to race the porcupine. Nicholia is racing with Shelley's oldest son. As we wait for the parade to start Jon his wife, son and Drew show up to ride in the parade. During the parade the guys had few failed attempts to pelt our friend Yoakum in the head with the parade candy (he totally deserves it too). Finally we make it to the racing grounds. There we get ready to race the pokies! After a long and tedious bidding war over sponsors for the porcupines we are ready to race. Gage and Nicholia's teams have to race against each other with a couple other teams. Gage's porcupine makes a good start, then you look over at Nicholia and Taylor's porcupine and its made its way I into the audience. Gotta love the freed porcupine its not a real race until someone gets quilled! Needless to say neither one of our teams won. But we had a blast getting to that point! Next year we will be a little wiser and better prepared!

Night Three Of Porcupine Adventure

We lost Jon! He was summoned back to the Valley where porcupines do not reside. But Nicholia and hubby Drew came along for the adventure. The night started with no issues. We replaced 2 boys for one of Gage's buddies. We had three adults and three kids. Our first spotting was a good 200-300 yards away. I thought it was to far for the kids to run in the dark. So we head on our merry way. Only to see a shit ton of deer and owls! Holy hell there were so many owls it was freaky! Then we hit a dirt road that never ends. It started to look like something out of the Hills Have Eyes. ICK! Finally we get a hold of one of my brothers who I put on speaker phone he then confirms we are driving into hillbilly backwoods territory. Nicholia and myself are freaked out at this point. So I do the only logical thing I turn around and go back the way we came.

 On our way out Drew spots something with the light woo hoo its a freaking porcupine! No way its two! The boys jump out of the back of the truck, jump the fence and run! Both Drew and I have the spotlights on one of the Pokies. Nicholia then jumps out and yells "hey you guys forgot the garbage can!" So her and Myla start running after the boys! The boys at this point are right next to the porcupine and don't see it. They pass it by a good 20 feet. Drew and myself are directing them where to go. They all got in the vicinity of the porcupine at the same time. (You have to remember we are all rookies at this.) Now that the four of them have the garbage can over our Pokey friend I'm told they are not sure how to get it up and in the can that's when Gage solved that problem. Next thing you know they are back at the truck with Mr. Pokey. We have a very proud group of rookies! The second porcupine escaped and from what we saw it was a big MoFo.

 Now the real adventure starts! We are still celebrating the capture our porcupine when we see a vehicle coming our way in the distance. We load the kids up and the pokey and get on our way. Soon the vehicle behind us catches up and I let it pass but instead of passing it stops and its Shelley's son who is riding with Hunter, Marcus's lil brother. So they get out and check out our prized possession. During our encounter a small red ford ranger looking truck hauls ass by us. I ask who it is and nobody knows. OK time to say good luck and goodbye. We get back on the road, we are following behind Hunter I look in my rear view mirror and see that red truck behind us with its lights off. Then the truck turns on his brights and follows us while fishtailing all over the place. It then turns off his lights again and falls back.

  About five minutes later one of the kids yell "its coming back!" I tell them to crawl through the back window. While Drew is helping them into the rig I see the red truck closing in fast. My heart is pounding out my mouth. This vehicle is all over the place. So I am still following Hunter, he turns off on another road so I follow. The douche bag red Ford vehicle flips a bitch and heads back the way it came! Fyew! That was some scary shit! We are following for a few minutes when Hunters truck comes the a abrupt stop. He jumps out of the drivers seat and hightails it over a fence then runs (we are all in awe, this guy is good!). You see him stop and run back yelling "you liar that was a sunk" ha ha we are so lucky we didn't encounter one those I don't think we would have escaped quick enough. So at this point I am thinking its safe to head back out of the maze of back roads. I turn around and in the distance I see little red rig flying down the road. Its still a ways off so I hightail it out of there. Thank god, we lost it! Time to head to the barn. What a night, and what a kick ass adventure!